If you believe in the place and have a faith that is.
I'm still un-decided... agnostic, bordering on atheist I suppose - that doesn't mean I'm godless... it's just I see 'my' god in different places.
Today I went to a funeral ... a very important funeral of someone very important. It was the FIRST one I've ever been to that I've actually been very moved - to the point of tears and unable to speak for much of the time. My brain was like an episode of "The Peep-Show", trying to remove myself from the event and look in - complete with a calming narrative... which didn't work btw.
I was trying to work out what it was making me SO upset. Simple really I suppose... it was the first funeral I've attended where I REALLY did care about the departed AND the people they've left behind. I wasn't sad for me, I was sad for them... for the hurt, despair, feelings of loss and fear they have right now.... it was a collective sentiment I'm sure and one that did make me realise - we're all the same... no matter how special we think we are... how individual we like to think we are, deep down (psychotic types a side) we're all human.
It made me stop and think about the world we live in... the way we deal with and approach others in our day to day lives... it made me think that for the most part we all rush around, stressed with all the day to day trite that is meaningless... we should look for the good in people... take a moment to talk with a stranger...look out for our neighbours ... what I suppose I'm saying is we should behave in a Christian manner - which doesn't mean we must pray to a higher being but be the very best we can to everyone we encounter... even those we don't naturally lean towards...although I do draw the line when it comes to stroppy Estonians!
Looking around the church today, for the first time I suppose, I actually felt every emotion it's possible to feel... my heart was racing whilst I tried to stifle my desperate need to cry... it wasn't MY place to cry... or so society pressured me into thinking. Ironically, it was JUST the place to cry... surrounded by like minded, caring souls - all there for the same reason I was. To show love and support to people they care about...
WHY are us British SO reserved?
This isn't the place really to go into details - it's personal to the grieving family but I just wanted to ensure the event - terrible that it is, was recorded somewhere I can reflect on in the future.
You are all very dear to me and I am both honoured and humbled to stand shoulder to shoulder with you x