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Monday, 8 June 2020

From the heart....

Perhaps I should not be writing this -I've had the best part of two bottles of wine AND a few gins for good/ excessive measure
Hey ho.

'thing is, it's been a stressful day. My dad has been to visit – which is wonderful.... an extremely difficult thing for him to do … especially as “Skipton” was a place he and mum would escape to … to spend time together. I'm SO annoyed at myself for not being able to articulate/vocalize the empathy I feel today … it must have been HELL for him.... to come 'alone' after 50+ years together... the best I COULD do, was chug for an hour or so and introduce him to the new bosun.

A little unfair on David I admit but he (from a background in mental health) was quite able to adapt to the 'awkward' situation presented to him... ME, less so... and dad? - well I have NO idea.

WHY is life SO complicated?

My dad has been through hell - before and after mum died. 

 Thing is, he's coped (at least on the surface) admirably... FAR better than I've been able to (on the surface too if that matters).... and I can't begin to express my admiration for him.... he remains the kindest, most humble and generous soul ANYONE will ever meet. 

He needs a haircut I admit but otherwise, to “the world” he appears intact and quite capable. I SO HOPE HE IS.

Empathy is NOT my favorite trait (I can't even spell it)

It's toxic... to me at least... I lay here – trying to sleep but replaying in my brain, every “bumbling” thing I may (or not) have said today... that SHOULD (or should not) have come out of my mouth,

I love my dad...

I KNOW he loves (and forgives) me for whatever failings I've accrued over the years...

It doesn't detract from the fact, I'm still missing my mum … 48 years old and still missing 'Joyce'. … I know dad is too... but we're at that awkward point when we both know we HAVE to stop bringing her into conversations... for each to others sake. To accept what has happened and move forward.

Apparently that is the “acceptance” stage of grief. SO much for those '5 stages of grief' by kubler resin - …. we keep switching between them when I'd hoped for a more definitive approach by now.

BEING self aware, really does suck sometimes.

ALSO – being aware of the complex relationship between my brother and my father DOES add to the burden – when I say BURDEN, I don't mean it in THAT sense... more of a “worry” - … my brother (whilst also a jolly good, hard working and kind hearted bloke), doesn't have the communicative skills “mum” had... he and dad both struggle in that department and whilst dad DOES appear to be trying very hard to progress, I fear my brother is stuck in his own purgatory.. thankfully now, away form a toxic marriage which had long since died.... he TOO has moved on to share his life with someone kind and special.... they just need to be able to talk to each other in some neutral form... and it plagues me I can't work out how to make that easier for them... there HASN'T been any kind of fall out or argument, they just need to be closer - but then again, that's MY perception... I may be totally off.... and I HOPE I am.  I ALSO hope, by now, my brother has read the letter mum left for him (like she did for us all) 'from the grave'... I read mine, time and time again and it makes me cry but also reassure me, my "life" has value.... as I'm sure it would him too... it may well already have happened but ONCE again, it's a sort of a taboo subject.

Why does it all have to be so complicated?

THAT was rhetorical btw – it's just that whilst in the middle of this whole apocalyptic scenario of “covid 19”, I STILL find myself worrying about all the OTHER perhaps more important/complex crap going on in the world... - I've aunts and uncles 'hiding away' trying to outlive it it, whilst others take the fatalistic approach of “this could be my last few months anyway so I'm NOT going to hide away and die quietly” approach...

NEITHER is right or wrong – only “THEIR” judgement.... and that's ALL we have... our own judgement.

The next person however that says to me “keep safe” is gonna get a kiss on the lips!


… sorry- I mean, 'until next time' ,,,,

1 comment:

Marilyn, nb Waka Huia said...

Mark, here is my tuppence worth:
Look at the things you have written here about your feelings for your dad. Without editing them, either
* copy them and paste them into a letter and post it to him without agonising, OR
* ring him up and tell him those things - a good way to start (says someone who knows because she has done it ...) is to apologise for not having told him this before, and then just tell him:
* Dad, I love you dearly,
* I wish I had been able to tell you this before
* I am so sorry I haven't been able to give you the support I know you have needed and that mum would have wanted me to give you
* You are so precious to me and have been such a rock and I have not been a rock for you in return, and I am sorry for that
* Dad, I would really love it if you could come and be on the boat lots with me, and I'd love us to be able to talk about mum and cry together and laugh together and just chat - I know she would want us to talk about her and remember how much we loved her and how we miss her. And if we cry, then so what - it just shows how much we loved her and how we miss her.
* And dad, is there anything you would like me to say to my brother to help us all get through this?
* And dad, I love you.

See? Simple! Now just do it!

Cheers and hugs, Marilyn

PS Ring him when you are sober. Do not hesitate, just do it and be authentic and it will go wonderfully! You don't need him to do or say or be anything other than receptive to your call. And he will be.